A little less disappointment : )

I have been reading a lot of books lately and have been making a lot of progress with my 'issues'. Im feeling a lot better these days, and not getting down on myself nearly as much as I used to.

Working out at the gym is helping too. I've really been trying hard and working at making progress and its showing. Its a good source of motivation too, because if you can break through those physical barriers and see the difference, it shouldn't be any different for those mental ones.

So I had also secretly hoped to have a blog that was very Doogie-esque and had all of these profound revelations summed up into a single powerful sentence. That's not what I've achieved here but im ok with that - elaboration is nicer i think. But if you think about it, the Doogster was blogging before all of us!

I think spring is on the way

Roses should be standing here
Brown eyes shouldn't cry
Hearts be made unbreakable
Blue eyes shouldn't lie

The sun is dyin' to see you
The clouds are begging to part
Spring is waiting on you
Is it still Winter in your heart?

Bottles should be deeper
The hourglass should lie
Candles let burn longer still
Bullets shouldn't fly

Is it still Winter in your heart?
Do you refuse another season's start?
The birds have all flown from my trees
They've gone away with all my yesterdays and used-to-bes
Is it still Winter in your heart?
Let flood the light
Let the curtains part

Roses should be standing here
Blue eyes shouldn't cry
Hearts be made unbreakable
Brown eyes shouldn't lie

The sun is dyin' to see you
The clouds are begging to part
Spring is waiting on you
Is it still Winter in your heart?

8 Seconds Left in Overtime.....

So im making some progress in my 'issue' that's been bugging me. It helps too when life is good to you and gives you some excitement to help you forget the down times. Looks like I may be getting a new job soon (fingers crossed) and its really exciting for me! More to come on that when things finally start to happen, dont want to jinx it. I've had a pretty good week and used some tools from the book to make some bleak days be better, but yesterday was another bad day for me.

i've done some journaling exercises recommended to me in a book im reading and its kind of a hokey thing but the results are suprising. The author gives you some sentence stems and you have to complete it with 4-5 endings. Its kind of a grown up version of that game you might have played when you were a kid, you know where you'd get asked something like "When I grow up I want to be..." and you had to write down 5 things and then share it with the class. These are more personal questions and much harder to answer sometimes. The author suggests that if you get stuck to invent an answer even if its not true, but I find sometimes even that is hard to do.

So the one thing about self-help books and me is this: sometimes i need the ton of bricks dumped on my head before i get it. Not all the time or with any subject, but when you're trying to dive into your innards and surface with something meaningful - what do you do when you're stuck and repeated dives dont give you any answers? That's kind of where I am. I KNOW what is bugging me, I KNOW there have been others with the same problem, and i KNOW there has to be a way to fix it....the solution is just evading me at the mo. I guess Im too impatient. : )

I've been listening to The Fray a lot lately. Their song Over My Head is kind of becoming my theme song these days. I feel really overwhelmed with a lot of stuff, work, life, sadness....im hoping that it wont be long i can listen to that song and think "i used to think this song was me". But for now, I do feel like Im in over my head.

Other topics - Im totally loving working out and working with the personal trainer. I lost 7 pounds the first 2 weeks, but the last 2 weeks I actually gained 3 lbs. we crunched the numbers and did the measurements and its ok - i lost some fat and gained some muscle. So even though i went up in weight by 3 lbs, my body fat percentage is less. Again, Im just being impatient! I want all this flab off my gut (yeah, its there trust me).

My sister comes to visit in September, im really looking forward to seeing her again after about a year and a half!

And isn't it almost College Football season? I can't wait, bring it!

In the mood?

Ive been a little moody lately. I know what it is, and im trying to change it. Its something that's been bugging me for a long time, but its one of those things that after you are aware of it and continually adapt to it you kinda dont notice you're feeling moody, and what the cause is.

Its just like when you have a mess in your house, you know, like that stack of mail on the table. You walk past it and notice it and think "I need to do something about that" but you dont do it right then. You see it again later and think the same thing. After a few times you stop noticing the stack and that its growing - it just becomes part of your table....or in this case part of your life. Over time it just becomes 'normal' and you dont notice the 'discomfort' it causes you....

I saw a movie recently that kind of took this stuff out off my inner shelf and dumped it on the floor and said to me "You just *think* you put this away and folded it right, but its not right so you have to do it again". *sigh*

Im reading books and trying to journal about it. Today is particularly tough. Can't wait for this to be finally dealt with.

Ketchup (catch up)

I got back from St Louis last week and stopped on the way home by ye olde mailbox to gather a week's worth of junkmail, and then proceeded to my driveway. When I got close I punched the button on my garagedoor opener and proceeded to back into my driveay and up to the garage door. when I turned my head around to steer myself in, the garage door was still closed. "Weird", i thought.

So i punched the button again thinking it just hadn't picked it up the first time. The door started to go DOWN....what the?!?! So i punched it again and watched, it did go up bot only about 1/4 of the way and then it stopped. What is going on? Bad part is I had lent my key out to my dad so i didnt have it to get in the front door. nope, i had to 'indiana jones' it and slide under the 1/4 of the way open garage door.

....and there was the problem. snapped coil spring on the door. Bet that was a monster to hear when it broke! So i've got a dude coming out today to fix it. Parking in the driveway in this heat is torture. I dont see how everyone else does it, i melt like the guy at the end of raiders of the lost ark when i climbed into it all weekend. its dead hot here.

I also saw that movie Wall-E. i usually like pixar movies, but this one was a little different. First off, much of the movie contains no dialog, just wall-e and eve doing their thing. Its amazing to me how someone can A. visualize such a story and B. animate it without live action. I guess there's a methodology they use and scripting tools and whatnot, but i certainly bow down to their abilities as much more clever than mine. It was a great movie, very touching and sweet. Pixar, you've done it again.

I've also been on Facebook recently and gotten in touch with not only old friends, but have made some new ones as well, so to all of you coming here from there, howdy.

Johnny B Goode

So yesterday I flew to St Louis. Usually when I go to St Louis I fly direct, none of that changing planes hassle. But this time i had to alter my plans slightly because my co-worker whom I stay with, Barb, wasn't going to be home on Sunday when I normally fly.

So i booked a flight that left on Monday, which meant I had a layover in Dallas. I got on the plane and who was on the flight to St Louis? Chuck Barry. I wouldn't have recognized him if I hadn't overheard people talking about him. But I did nod at him and he did smile back. Seems like a nice man. I tried to see if he was playing in St Louis while im here (he lives here) but sadly he isn't playing again until July.

Next time I'll ask for a quick tune before I get off the plane :)

Learning

So with much time to think while i'm running, I frequently come up with my 'musings' and ponder on them. I mean what else is there to do when you're spending 35-40 mins just jogging?

My most recent revelation is that Im a good number 2, but not such a good number 1. What does that mean? Well i think im pretty good at excelling when i have rules to go by, defined boundaries and guidelines to follow. But when I have to be the one making up the rules or the boundaries and guidelines i tend to second guess myself too much to be effective. Some people are natural leaders. Some people are natural leader 'support'. I think that's the place where I fall. I can do the leading thing and do it ok, but im not a 'super' leader.

And I think im ok with that. Im not out to be a CEO or anything, I dont want to own my own business. But sometimes that 'number 2' thing can become a bit of a problem in my personal life. Like I can't really pin down what my 'plans' are going to be in the next few days, weeks, months, etc. I dont think that far ahead , im not a true visionary, either personally or professionally. Time to invest some thought into how to make my personal life a little more #1-ish than #2-ish.

Paging Dr Oppenheimer

So this is me today. I had an injection of radio-active phosphorous material so that they can do a bone scan later today and see what my bones are doing. The injection went easily enough, I didnt have any issues with that. But after I removed the gauze-pad-and-tape they give you after a shot, I noticed a really dark bloody lump under the skin. I'll have to ask them if its ok or if that is something to worry about. Dont want a blood clot!

The guy that gave me the injection said to make sure I drank lots of fluids to disperse the material in my body really well, and then to make sure I urinate a lot to dispose of the bits that didnt get absorbed. Wonder if my pee will glow in the dark? I promise NOT to post a picture of it if it does.

A word of advice

If your mother tells you that she's going to have breast reduction surgery, and then tells you that the doctor wonders why she took so long to come in because she's abnormally top-heavy, and then tells you that the nurse commented that her bo-jangas must weigh 20 lbs each, and then your mother says she responded that they do, and that the nurse asked if she had ever weighed them, and then your mother says that she responded that she had weighed them....

PLEASE.....for your own safety and peace of mind....

DO NOT!!!!!!

...ask your mother how she weighed them. You really really really really really dont want to hear that story.

Oh, Double Dear.....

If you're not tuned into the 'world economic' situation at the moment, particularly revolving around OIL, then there are 2 articles you can read that will basically catch you up. These articles should be MANDATORY reading for everyone. Now, Im sure both are biased to some degree, but both do at least make you stop and think for a moment about what's going on...and if these articles don't do that, then at least you'll be able to overhear the topics on the news or in coversation so that you can go "oh yeah, that...." and actually know what you're saying.

Article One

Article Two

Don't say I never ruinded your day! Now get out there and make things better for us all!

Really Summer has arrived

I have this joke I tell people i work with that don't live in Texas (and therefore dont know of the oppressive heat). I tell them that in Texas we have 2 seasons: Summer, and Really Summer. And that is basically true. In fact Josh and I joke about 'sweater week' when it gets 'slightly chilly' around december/january.

Its been in the 90's almost every day for the last 2 weeks or so, which means we're officially into the heat of the year. It will peak around August/September, cool slightly in October and then we usually get our first 'cool' front around Halloween.

But I think this 'Really Summer' season i will do just fine. You see, a few days ago my air conditioner seized up for about the 3rd or 4th time. So I phoned up the repair service, had the guy come round, and after discussion it was decided i'd be best served replacing my whole unit - and it cost a tidy sum I must say.

But ever since its been installed I have been delighted! I've had the thermostat set 1 degree colder than I had my older unit, and i get chilly! This new system has a humidity control on it that really makes the cool air feel colder. The good news is that my house has appreciated significantly since I bought it, so in the event that I ever sell the house, i should be able to recover the cost of the new system.

But with such a nice cooling unit, I might not ever leave!

Hang on a sec...

Stay right there, I'll be right back